Aradia. It had only been a couple of weeks since he'd spoken to her. In the flesh, even. She had been, well, lively, like her cheerful old self. She'd actually smiled, and Sollux couldn't remember the las time she'd done that. He'd talked to her and she'd told him what he'd always wanted to hear. That she didn't blame him. She had forgiven him so easily. He was surprised, but, glad. As the week wore on, he he started to think he could finally put all of it behind him. Move past the stupid guilt, forgive himself for all the stupid things he'd done, for all the times he couldn't help like he wanted to. For being dangerous and useless and not deserving to exist.
It was stupid really, he thought. He'd been stupid to be so hopeful. He'd never be able to put it behind him, and he shouldn't be. He'd always be useless, he'd always be dangerous, he'd always be her murderer. He'd made her suffer, it was his fault she'd been that way. Even if she said it was okay, how could he have ever thought anything could make up for that? She'd just been being kind to him. She was always kind, and thats how he'd repaid her. By burning her alive.
He was a useless asshole, and this was what he deserved. He couldn't even save Feferi, it turned out. Not even from someone like Eridan. Karkat was always getting used and torn apart by this place too. They all were, always, and he couldn't even do a single thing to help any of them. Feferi didn't even believe in him enough to tell him the truth. To tell him what she knew. Or maybe she was ashamed of him, that he hadn't been able to protect her.
He tries not to scream out as she starts on the second eye. To take his punishment without complaints. Its difficult and he doesn't make it through without some sounds of pain escaping his lips, but compared to before, the change in volume is significant. He tries to catch a glimpse of the real Feferi before everything goes dark, but of course its impossible, and just like that, its gone. He can't see anything. His whole world is darkness and Feferi's helpless sobs. And Sollux couldn't do anything to stop them, to save her, or to show her it was alright. He was so weak.
"F-fuck you." he manages to stammer out. The insult is wavering, his throat tight from silent tears.
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timeasmymeasure
sorryyyyy
Date: 2011-03-19 10:46 am (UTC)It was stupid really, he thought. He'd been stupid to be so hopeful. He'd never be able to put it behind him, and he shouldn't be. He'd always be useless, he'd always be dangerous, he'd always be her murderer. He'd made her suffer, it was his fault she'd been that way. Even if she said it was okay, how could he have ever thought anything could make up for that? She'd just been being kind to him. She was always kind, and thats how he'd repaid her. By burning her alive.
He was a useless asshole, and this was what he deserved. He couldn't even save Feferi, it turned out. Not even from someone like Eridan. Karkat was always getting used and torn apart by this place too. They all were, always, and he couldn't even do a single thing to help any of them. Feferi didn't even believe in him enough to tell him the truth. To tell him what she knew. Or maybe she was ashamed of him, that he hadn't been able to protect her.
He tries not to scream out as she starts on the second eye. To take his punishment without complaints. Its difficult and he doesn't make it through without some sounds of pain escaping his lips, but compared to before, the change in volume is significant. He tries to catch a glimpse of the real Feferi before everything goes dark, but of course its impossible, and just like that, its gone. He can't see anything. His whole world is darkness and Feferi's helpless sobs. And Sollux couldn't do anything to stop them, to save her, or to show her it was alright. He was so weak.
"F-fuck you." he manages to stammer out. The insult is wavering, his throat tight from silent tears.